FAT GIRL WOES

                                          

FAT GIRL WOES

FAT GIRL ISSUES

Ok before I begin I would like to apologize for using the other “F” word in the title of this post but I had to so that I could convey the gravity of the issue.

Now normally I call myself Plus size, curvy, Rubenesque, big, full, luscious and all other euphemisms but for the purpose of this post I’m just going to be using the  word “PHAT” (I can’t bring myself to write the “F” word.

A PHAT girl life is a difficult life to lead. Especially in a country like Nigeria where the people and the citizens have zero chill. As in ehn it is a known and proven scientific fact that Nigerians do not possess any chill button whatsoever we are very crass and very rude.  One thing Nigerians are very good at is giving unsolicited advice (wetin dem no ask you; you go chook your mouth for inside) and its very annoying although I do it sometimes LOL.

So you can now imagine living a PHAT girl life in a place where anybody can just walk up and tell u rubbish. Scary abi??

Now I have compiled a list of the woes and agonies most PHAT girls face and they are:

1.     NO GOOD CLOTHES:

 For the average PHAT Joe like me who enjoys looking good doing at all times. It can be a bit of a hardship achieving that goal on. If you are a size 16 and above living in Nigeria with little money to spare like me (e go better; GOOD THINGS) then  wahala dey oo. Because it is very difficult to get good plus size clothing and when you eventually do find a really nice outfit it ridiculously expensive.

I mean you could see an outfit of the same texture, fabric, colour, pattern, shape, style, design and even smell in a small size but the larger version would be more expensive. I don’t understand if it is the extra 

 material that I’m paying for oh. It is well sha

2.       NO THIGH GAP:

Arrrggghhhhhhh…………….. This one don pain me for blood!! That ever elusive thigh gap. That space between the legs that many aspire to get but few ever achieve.  Yes this affects both men and women. When the laps touch due to the excess of adipose tissues (fat) in that area the contact surface becomes really dark and bumpy and pimply and just plain ugly (and the thing can pepper well well). This happens when you go for really long walks without any form of protection.

One way to combat this is to wear tights/girdles/short knickers/boxers under your clothes as a second layer of underwear like I do.

But when I’m home I just let loose just to let breeze reach that area. LMAO!!!!!!

WOW it’s not easy abi?? Skinny bebes take note oo.

That’s it for now. Please check out my next post on FAT GIRL woes

If you feel I have left anything out or I haven’t been accurate in my writing please drop a comment and let me know. I would love to hear about different woes and agonies of different PHAT ladies living in Nigeria. Ciao

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENOM

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENON

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENON

In the whole of Africa it is safe to say that Nigerians are the most over the top, loud, boisterous, energetic, in-your-face inhabitants of the whole continent. This classic characteristic of ours is evident in our music, in our day to day interactions even in our wars on Twitter but it is never as pronounced or as obvious or as evident ( I dey check dictionary well well o!) as it during a Nigerian wedding.

OMG!! From the décor to the brides make up to the cake to the ever present Aso-ebi everything is always over the top.  And with the rise of so many fashion vendors I really don’t think the trend is going to die down anytime soon. We are going to see more and more extravagance in the near future.   This is a joke that went viral on social media according to the writer of the joke; the groom in his appreciation at one of such extravagant weddings went like this:

 “I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. Special appreciation goes to my landlord who lent us his car and my friend who drove us. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding.

“Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf; to my brother’s wife; for lending us her wedding gown and to the cake designer for the lending us this cake to display here. As agreed, I shall return it tomorrow morning.
“Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. To those who were served food, good luck and those who didn’t, we will make it up to you during our first child’s dedication next year.
“Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to entertain us all here today. I won’t forget to mention the marriage committee of the Church; thank you for persuading my wife to marry me. I also appreciate the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage. The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to dance”.

A Nigerian Ibo bride on her Traditional wedding day.

LOL right?! But sadly that is the case with so many Nigerian marriages. Another Crazy thing about Nigerian weddings is the fact that you don’t do only one wedding…………..YOU DO THREE!!!  (Hahn… Naija our own too much). Yes oh!! Not one, not two but three weddings and they are:

·         The traditional wedding

·         The court wedding

·         The white or church wedding

When I asked my pastor why we do three weddings in Nigeria he said that it’s because Nigerians are so jobless we don’t know what to do with our time and money.
And then again the annoying thing is that each of the weddings costs an arm and a leg (I’m not so sure about the court wedding) they are ridiculously expensive for no sensible reason oh Na just how the thing dey be.
Out of the three I’m sure we can all agree on the fact that the traditional wedding is the most expensive. Especially if you are from the eastern part of Nigeria. Boy oh Boy that bride price and Marriage list is the stuff of nightmares to many Nigerian men. Many guys borrow or sometimes even owe the village just so that can be able to marry a lady from the town. There is so much to talk about on the issue of the Nigerian wedding please checkout my next post: 
THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENON pt2 or more on the spectacle that is the Nigerian wedding.

Linda Ikeji: A case study

LINDA IKEJI: A CASE STUDY

Hmmmmm………….. (I don’t know if case studies begin with “Hmmmmm…………..”) but this one deserves it.

I am quite sure everyone reading this post knows who she is but if you don’t (what rock did you crawl out from under??)  Well let me enlighten and illuminate your mind.

Linda Ikeji is one of Africa’s most powerful blogger and many even argue that she is the richest she is certainly the most popular.  Her rise to fame through blogging alone (which most people don’t even consider a profession) is as  phenomenal as phenomenal can get.  She started blogging about a couple of years ago I think she stared in 2007 and now she is a household  name.  if you need the latest gist in Nigeria be it politics, entertainment anything all you need to do is to go to Lindaikeji.blogspot.com to be updated. Linda achieved all this without paying a dime; as her overhead cost is next to zero since the blogger platform is free. All she probably has to pay for is the internet she uses.

Now as usual I go scouring the internet for information an boy oh boy I don search taya and this is the gist I have uncovered for you guys.

1.      Linda girl was born on the 18th of  September 1980

2.      She is the second of seven children

3.      Linda Ikeji  graduated from UNILAG. (who didn’t …..oh yes me! )

4.      Linda comes from Nkwerre L.G.A in  Imo state ( Ibo kwenu!!)

5.      She is worth about 2.6 billion naira (yes our Linda baby is a billionaire. Forbes where are you?). she is the first blogger billionaire in Africa.

6.      She made her fortune solely through blogging

7.      She used to be a model

8.      She used to date popular radio personality Dan Foster.

9.      Linda isn’t married and yes she said it with her own mouth that she is desperate.

As it often happens most successful people really have some sob stories about how they overcome challenges and Linda has hers. On her blog she tells of a time in her life during her school days in UNILAG where she went to a hotel to see a man hoping he would lend her some money but instead he asked for other favours which she couldn’t offer and she was left stranded there as she had no money to get back to where she was coming and she said to herself that one day she was going to make it. ( well baby girl certainly has.)

One of the major things that blows my mind about Linda is the fact she has used her fortune not only for herself but for the good of her family seeing as she built houses for her folks in Lagos and in Imo state and also for some of her faithful readers ( seeLIB giveaway). I know many people who when they have made it will forget where they came from and start living large and proud but not Linda baby.

I’m sure most people know of Linda’s number one fan and her personal social media body guard her sister Laura Ikeji. Yes ooo you cannot say one bad thing about Linda and expect Laura not to attack. Lmao the lady has plenty energy. But that is what loyalty about.

Laura Ikeji in white.

Laura; Linda's sister.

It is safe to say that Linda is controversial in fact ehn  controversial is putting it mildly. Personally I would say that Linda is Nigeria’s equivalent to Wendy Williams. Although on different platforms they have the same controversial nature and they both had to surmount really great odds to be where they are now. Linda has gotten a lot of heat from major celebrities like RMD, Funke Akindele, Toke Makinwa-Ayida and a couple of others for some posts she put up about them. But my dear as they say any publicity is good publicity. Linda fears no one and is loyal to no one. She posts relentlessly without fear or favour. Friend or foe if there is a scandal about you Linda will milk it for all it is worth. And that people is why she is the success she is today.

Of course every good business person need healthy competition and Linda’s main blogging rival is  *drumroll*  Stella Dimoko Korkus. She  is equally another thriving Nigerian blogger (she is a case study for another day) and her fans are called the SDKers while Linda’s fans are called the LIBers and trust me these two groups are always at war in the comments section (check it out for yourself SDKers vs LIBers).

But aside from all this the most amazing thing about Linda is that she is a major source of inspiration to many

young Nigerians out there both male and female and she never hesitates to support and encourage where it is needed.

Thank you Linda Ikeji for being who you are.