THAT AWKWARD MOMENT: A case of mistaken identity

“The queue at the filling station is so long; when will this fuel scarcity of a thing end na ehn this kind government I never see oh,” I say into the phone and my mother at the other end of the line gives a grunt of disapproval.

“This our yeye government my dear this country needs serious prayers; eh en don’t forget to buy beans when you’re coming back o, that is what your father would eat this night.” she says

I agree to buy the beans and we say our goodbyes then I cut the call.

The line is still moving ever so slowly, so I bring out my phone to continue with my candy crush adventure just to kill time I finally make it to level 198 and just as I am about to start the level I look up and I see a familiar face standing about fifteen feet from my car.

“Hmmmn where do I know that face from?” I ask myself and then it hits me.

“Oh my God that’s Nnanna Orji,” I say to myself

Looking at him now he seems so different, so much more muscular. Back in school Nnanna was quite handsome facially but very lanky and he was always scraggy looking. Even though I used to make fun and tease him a lot back then he was one of my closest friends. Now I just look on in admiration as I eat my words.

Seeing as the line is not moving I get out of my car and make my way to where he is standing and from behind I cover his eyes with my hands.

“Look who is all grown up ehn,” I whisper into his ear jokingly.

He gives a little laugh and asks, “Who is this?”

He sound different too his voice is deeper than it used to be.

“Ahn Ahn so you can’t recognise my voice after all our history ehn” I say

This time he laughs out loud and people start staring at us.

“Ok this is crazy, I really don’t know who this is.” he answers

I ask him to guess and then I give him a peck on the cheek.

“ Honey what’s going on here?” I hear a lady ask.

I turn around to get a better view of who is talking and I see a pregnant lady staring at me covering Nnanna’s eyes with disbelief on her face.

“Who is she?,” the pregnant lady asks.

She looks at Nnanna while she is talking and then I realize that she must be talking to him. With my hands still on his face I look at his hands and see a wedding ring on his finger and I get confused last I heard Nnanna wasn’t married and if he was I would have known about it. Alarm bells ring in my head; I slowly take my hands off his face and he turns to look at me.

Uh-oh this is not Nnanna Orji. The man whose face I have been holding for the last two minutes is a complete stranger.

“Bayo I asked you a question.” By now the pregnant lady is already shouting.

“I have no idea who she is, she just walked up to me and closed my eyes.” He answers shakily.

They both turn a little to stare at me. While he is looking at me with a mixture of fear, surprise and confusion on his face, she looks at me like she wants to torture me with boiling oil and acid.

“I’m sorry it was a mistake really I thought you were someone else you look like a friend of mine I’m really sorry.” I say this in a state of mild panic as I notice that people are now staring at us and someone is actually videoing our scene.

The pregnant lady starts crying.

“Bayo she is your mistress right? She is the one you have been cheating with abi? After three kids Bayo, why are you doing this to me?” the pregnant lady is crying her eyes out.

I almost offered her a tissue but I’m so shocked I can’t move I’m not even sure the whole scenario is real. As I get a hold of myself I try to console the lady.

“Madam please nothing is going on here. It was just a mistake I thought he was someone else.” I say.

The murderous look on her face sends me into silence. The man apparently called Bayo looks at me and says

“Can you just get out of here and leave me alone.”

I cringe visibly and I just quickly turn around and hurry back to my car and then I see that everyone is looking at the three of us and we make quite a spectacle.

On my way to my car I hear whispers and from the whispers I hear one very audible Ashawo, husband snatcher I just move along pretending not to hear as I move along I pass a red Toyota camry; the lady in the car winds down, spits on me and calls me a home wrecker and winds her windows back up.

I’m stunned all I can do is just stand and stare when she sees me staring she gives me the finger.

I finally reach my car and once I’m inside I lock the dock and windows. As I settle I down I replay the events of the last few minutes in my head and without warning I just start laughing uncontrollably. I laugh and laugh until finally laughter turns to tears.

The queue starts to move; I buy 30 liters of fuel as I’m leaving I see the attendants talking and whispering and pointing at me. I just bone my face and leave the station.

Two buildings from the market I see a beans seller and I stop to buy beans. As I’m pricing the beans someone taps me on the shoulder and I turn around to see Nnann---- sorry Bayo smiling down at me.

“Hmmnn you are very beautiful and I like your style, please don’t mind my wife jare this is my card call me up and let me take you to lunch sometime.” He tells me.

I take the card then he plants a kiss on my cheek and winks at me.

As he turns to walk away I call him back

“Urmm……… its Bayo right?” I ask

He nods in response

 “Ok this beans is 4k oh! Can you take care of it for me?”

Later that day my Dad commends me on my very delicious beans porridge I just smile and say thank you. If only he knew……………….

Introducing my new series: That awkward Moment

Hey guys it's me again i want to introduce a series of short stories and it's titled :That Awkward moment. Everyone has had an awkward or potentially embarrassing moment at one point in time and i'm sure whenever we remember such moments we cringe. So this series is to pay homage to those moments that keep us humble from time to time. Please enjoy.

Hey!!!!!!!!! I am Back!

Okay so I have been AWOL for a couple of months and the reason is because i had a lot of stuff going on in my life at that period in time But now i am back and ready to go.
But I must say though during my hiatus I did a lot of research on blog topics and whatnot and I have  quite a few juicy posts up my sleeves.
of course it's all my opinion so I don't think i can get into any legal trouble for airing my opinions right????
SO PLEASE feel free to drop comments and suggestions aiit!
Peace.

FAT GIRL WOES PT2

FAT GIRL WOES Pt2

In my last post about fat girl woes read HERE I mentioned a couple of thing that  I considered  to be some little issues “phat” girls face so number three on that list is

3. THE INFAMOUS K-LEG

Many Phat  people suffer from this but not all and sometimes even some skinny people have this but i'm guessing theirs is due to some form of malnourishment or the other (I’m guessing oo I no be doctor). In Phat people this happens as a result of no thigh gap and the leg kind of bends ouward from the knee down this unusual shape gives many phat people I know the most awkward walking steps. Really weird stuff.

4. The Cat-calls and snide comments:

This is really the most frustrating and annoying. Let me share my story with you. On fateful day oo on my way back from work I stopped at a kiosk to buy gala for my neighbour’s children cos they would bug me if I came back empty handed. So I bought four pieces  of gala and as I was about to pay the man that was selling to me asked “ Ahn Ahn madam na only you wan chop all this Gala. Take am easy o! you no suppose dey chop sef na only water you suppose dey drink”. As you can imagine I was mortified because the people around wo heard him were snickering and some were laughing out loud so i just quietly and jejely dropped his products for him and gave him my deadliest look by this time he was now apologizing. I left his shop and went to his neighbour’s shop and I bought a carton of gala and a carton of Viju milk with one pack of buttermint sweets. I made sure he was looking as I was counting the money to pay his neighbour when I saw the look on his face I instantly fet pity for him but unfortunately the deed had been done.

And its not only comments like that you hear some times when I pass some bystanders would just shout “UKWU”  or some would shout “my size”. OMG that’s the worst when they shout my size or ukwu I instinctively know I’m the one they are talking to and as my reflex action takes over I turn my head to look and I most often see a scraggy looking wretched humanbeing.  I just get so ashamed and angry at the same time.

 

5. NO TALL DARK AND HANDSOME:

Although this isn’t always the case but most guys that like PHAT girls are the older married men with pot bellies. It is a bit hard to find young good looking men that are interested in PHAT girls and even if they are for fear of ridicule they wouldn’t admit it.

My former boss once told me that because of my size (I’m kinda tall so I’m considered huge and imposing) I should be looking forward to marrying a small man so that the equation can be balanced I thought she was making small sense until she added  “you see you have no right to lay claim on any tall man you have to marry a small man so that you can be a boost to his ego” she then proceeded to give me her brother’s number.  I was so shocked that this educated, accomplished  woman whom I looked up to would allow such stupidity come out from her mouth (this na serious end time things sha). I just jejely smiled and left her office.

Finally I have come to end of this post I have shared with you some of my woes and agonies as a PHAT princess. Pls if you feel that I have missed out anything feel free to let me know in the comments section.

Also if you have woes and agonies like me and you just cant deal anymore then please lose some weight so as to be happy and healthy like I’m trying to do. #teamfitgirls

Nigerians and Fake accents

My reaction too!!

FAKE ACCENTS:

This is a really touchy topic for me because  I am one of those people who enjoy realness anyway that they can get it.

Sooo a friend of mine who went to Ukraine a couple of years ago to study medicine came back last month and  you can imagine my excitement na; my home girl I hadn’t seen for a long time was back. In my head I was already preparing all our hangouts and all our outings I said I would take her to the beach, to see a play, we would gist plenty plenty gist and all that craziness ( I was already planning picture poses for Instagram). Three days after she got back I went to see her and I’m quite sorry to say this but I was disgusted. Now don’t  get me wrong she was looking like a million bucks oo but when she came to meet  me at the estate gate this was how she greeted me word for word  and I quote “ Oh my God, Oh my God Alexandra it’s you innit I can’t believe it. Bloody hell you look positively smashing I’m going mental just looking at you. Oh my God Nigeria is gonna be a great laugh with you innit?”  she said with a very thick british accent .

Now for those of you who know me very well you would know that I have neither  tact nor diplomacy nor patience in general and I am quick to air my opinion on any subject matter. But to my surprise I was totally speechless as I was looking at this my friend and then it hit me the crashing waves of disappointment and not only was I disgusted I was let down badly.

Many of you reading this would think that I was disappointed because of her fakeness  but no my disappointment stems more from the fact that my babe was not intelligent enough to know that six years in Ukraine would mean a Russian accent and not a British one and also that she felt the need to fake it for me her supposed bestie.

As sad and as pathetic as that case may  be it is unfortunately the case with many Nigerians and west Africans in general. On the radio you would be bombarded with so much fake accents I’m beginning to think it’s a criteria to get a job as an OAP. I wonder when this culture began a couple of years ago that wasn’t the case. 

BRUH!!!!!!

Even when you meet someone for the first the person would try to come and be forming “toush” and would be giving me serious fake accent. ( Most people dey gbagaun inside the fake accent sef).  When you’re talking to someone on the phone it’s the same even some of these returnees (I don’t know if you can call some who went to the U.S for just three months a returnee) would be giving me American accent when it is China they have been in all this while. There is God oo!!

Personally I see this trend as a sign of the deep rooted inferiority complex we black west Africans have. Everything the white man says and does has to be better than our own. That was how we were first carted off into slavery.  In our music videos in our movies we all want to copy the western world. This culture of follow follow would be down fall of many Nigerians . I mean where is the originality, where is the creativity?? We have used fufu to swallow our brains but we need to get it back. Our celebs don’t even help matters at all some of them ( I refuse to call names) would even bite their tongues in the process “ she is good people”… how can??.

Please there is nothing shameful in having in having a good Nigerian accent. Indians don’t hide theirs by faking  even in their movies they speak it with pride as they are shaking their heads LOL!! And neither do Russians nor Germans nor Arabs nor Spaniards. So then why is Nigeria’s own different why do we keep aspiring to irrelevant and unnecessary things. We should try to copy white people in terms of technology and health care but not in terms of day to day living because with the high rates of suicides they have and massive abuse against black people and their serial killing  we should know that their lives and accents and mannerisms are not worth copying.

C’mon guys even our president  GMB has very thick and in depth Hausa accent so why are we all not following his lead. Please let the fakers stop it. Nigerian accent is a thing of beauty and we should all be proud to be citizens of this great nation. Please all our OAP’s stop with the accents we know it’s fake you only sound stupid.

Now for those of you stubborn goats that will not hear word . if you must fake an accent please do some heavy research to be sure you won’t be caught. Don’t go and form Spanish accent when na only Cotonou you go.

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENOM Pt 2

In my last post about the Nigerian wedding phenomenon read HERE. I gave a little intro into the craziness and wahala that comes with a Nigerian wedding.

Now allow me to break it down for you; let me go in depth as to why I think many Nigerian wedding are outrageous. My number one reason is

1.     THE BRIDE PRICE

I think I will be right in assuming that most of you reading this post know what the bride price is all about. For those of you that don’t know let me enlighten you.  The bride price is the dowry or the money that the groom pays to the bride’s family as compensation for raising her to be whom she is now. It is assumed especially in West African culture that everything that has happened in a girl’s life which includes her childhood upbringing, her schooling and training was all done in preparation for her husband’s house.

Bride Price no be beans oo!!

In some places in eastern Nigeria the bride prices are ridiculously extreme I mean really outrageous we are talking thousands of Naira. In places like Mbaise in Imo and Calabar in Cross river state a girl’s price varies depending on her level of education. If she is a graduate then wahala dey ooo!!! The bride price would be really quite expensive. But surprisingly a lot of guys look to marry calabar women I’m guessing it because of their skill in the bedroom we all know calabar are very knowledgeable in that area especially.

Personally I think this is a tradition that we could gladly do without. 

2.     THE MARITAL LIST

Ghen Ghen……………..(action music playing). Before I begin to talk about this one let me first explain what the marital list. The marital list is more or less like the terms and conditions that must be met in order for a groom to be able to marry a girl from a particular place. Most of the all the items on the list cannot be met physically and then it has to be settled with money (yes oh Money answereth all things). And the amounts are just too high also in thousands of naira.

Now all these expenses and the wedding plans haven’t even begun. Decorations, food, music venue haven’t even been talked about and money don dey go fiam fiam. It is well sha. what really annoys me about the marital list is that it doesnt even go o bride's family. sometimes strangers who i'm probably didn't even know that the bride existes would now come and make demands just because they are from the same village. as they say " It takes a village to raise a child" these people take that adage quite literally and the come to demand their own share of the bounty.

Now all that wahala was just for traditional wedding. When we come to the white it is a whole different kettle of fish and with this craze of everybody wanting their wedding to be on Bella Naija blog or Munaluchi website or in Ovation magazine; Nigerian couples go the extra extra mile to make sure their wedding day is the stuff of fairy tales (regardless of the size of their pocket oo). Now let’s break down the white wedding structure.

A.     THE VENUE: in the traditional marriage the venue is never considered as an issue because it usually takes in the bride’s father’s compound or premises. But in this era of selfies and Instagram the wedding venue has to be Social Media worthy.  It has to be Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook worthy. Hmmn No dulling every nook and cranny has to be well decorated and lighted. Everybody wants to be the next Stephanie and Linus Idahosa so they go all out and pull all stops. And most of the time the venues which satisfy these criteria are pretty costly and usually on the island so that’s another huge expense.

B.     THE WEDDING GOWN AND THE BRIDAL TRAIN: Ever since Toke Makinwa wore her April By KUnbi wedding Gown and Stephanie Idahosa donned her Elie Saab gown. Nigerian brides have been killing themselves just to get a designer gown their wedding never mind that it’s just a one day thing oo. Although sometimes these gowns can be modified to wear as a normal cocktail outfit but then again these high fashion designer outfits cost an eye and a tooth and then some.

Another trend now is having a large number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. These extras now have to get really dressed up and dolled up and sometimes it’s the couple that foots the bill of the outfits for the groomsmen and brides maids.

C.     THE ASO EBI: now this is actually my favourite part of any wedding. You can tell the calibre of people the bride and groom are by the quality of the asoebi. Now for those of you who don’t know what Aso-Ebi is let me explain. Aso-ebi (translation: cloth of the family) is used to refer to the outfits made from matching fabric and pattern worn by family members (though it now applies to anyone who can afford one or would like to wear one) at a wedding ceremony or social event to denote unity, support, and represent sides of the family. Contrary to popular belief, the aso-ebi phenomenon is not strictly a Nigerian thing but applies to many tribes and countries in Africa with the subtle difference in the name; not called aso-ebi across all countries.   It’s no surprise that people attach so much importance to the associated aso-ebi piece of fabric. Perhaps, it’s because of the preferential treatment people who wear aso-ebi get at a social event amongst other reasons. (Culled from allaboutnaijaweddings.com)

The aso ebi fabric usually costs really much. I do not know if it’s because the bride and groom are trying to recover wedding costs but sha that one na for their pocket. Personally if I can’t afford the asoebi being sold for an occasion I’d take a piece of the fabric and go and look for it in the market where it would be a whole lot cheaper.
Nowadays to avoid all the extra cost most couples do both traditional and white wedding on the same day.
Other cost incurring areas includes the Cake, Food, Dj, the Video and photography and the souvenir.I don’t know if I am the only one who notices this but why is it that in most weddings I go for it is mainly the old old women there that fight tooth and nail for souvenirs ehn?!!