Nigerians and Fake accents

My reaction too!!

FAKE ACCENTS:

This is a really touchy topic for me because  I am one of those people who enjoy realness anyway that they can get it.

Sooo a friend of mine who went to Ukraine a couple of years ago to study medicine came back last month and  you can imagine my excitement na; my home girl I hadn’t seen for a long time was back. In my head I was already preparing all our hangouts and all our outings I said I would take her to the beach, to see a play, we would gist plenty plenty gist and all that craziness ( I was already planning picture poses for Instagram). Three days after she got back I went to see her and I’m quite sorry to say this but I was disgusted. Now don’t  get me wrong she was looking like a million bucks oo but when she came to meet  me at the estate gate this was how she greeted me word for word  and I quote “ Oh my God, Oh my God Alexandra it’s you innit I can’t believe it. Bloody hell you look positively smashing I’m going mental just looking at you. Oh my God Nigeria is gonna be a great laugh with you innit?”  she said with a very thick british accent .

Now for those of you who know me very well you would know that I have neither  tact nor diplomacy nor patience in general and I am quick to air my opinion on any subject matter. But to my surprise I was totally speechless as I was looking at this my friend and then it hit me the crashing waves of disappointment and not only was I disgusted I was let down badly.

Many of you reading this would think that I was disappointed because of her fakeness  but no my disappointment stems more from the fact that my babe was not intelligent enough to know that six years in Ukraine would mean a Russian accent and not a British one and also that she felt the need to fake it for me her supposed bestie.

As sad and as pathetic as that case may  be it is unfortunately the case with many Nigerians and west Africans in general. On the radio you would be bombarded with so much fake accents I’m beginning to think it’s a criteria to get a job as an OAP. I wonder when this culture began a couple of years ago that wasn’t the case. 

BRUH!!!!!!

Even when you meet someone for the first the person would try to come and be forming “toush” and would be giving me serious fake accent. ( Most people dey gbagaun inside the fake accent sef).  When you’re talking to someone on the phone it’s the same even some of these returnees (I don’t know if you can call some who went to the U.S for just three months a returnee) would be giving me American accent when it is China they have been in all this while. There is God oo!!

Personally I see this trend as a sign of the deep rooted inferiority complex we black west Africans have. Everything the white man says and does has to be better than our own. That was how we were first carted off into slavery.  In our music videos in our movies we all want to copy the western world. This culture of follow follow would be down fall of many Nigerians . I mean where is the originality, where is the creativity?? We have used fufu to swallow our brains but we need to get it back. Our celebs don’t even help matters at all some of them ( I refuse to call names) would even bite their tongues in the process “ she is good people”… how can??.

Please there is nothing shameful in having in having a good Nigerian accent. Indians don’t hide theirs by faking  even in their movies they speak it with pride as they are shaking their heads LOL!! And neither do Russians nor Germans nor Arabs nor Spaniards. So then why is Nigeria’s own different why do we keep aspiring to irrelevant and unnecessary things. We should try to copy white people in terms of technology and health care but not in terms of day to day living because with the high rates of suicides they have and massive abuse against black people and their serial killing  we should know that their lives and accents and mannerisms are not worth copying.

C’mon guys even our president  GMB has very thick and in depth Hausa accent so why are we all not following his lead. Please let the fakers stop it. Nigerian accent is a thing of beauty and we should all be proud to be citizens of this great nation. Please all our OAP’s stop with the accents we know it’s fake you only sound stupid.

Now for those of you stubborn goats that will not hear word . if you must fake an accent please do some heavy research to be sure you won’t be caught. Don’t go and form Spanish accent when na only Cotonou you go.

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENOM Pt 2

In my last post about the Nigerian wedding phenomenon read HERE. I gave a little intro into the craziness and wahala that comes with a Nigerian wedding.

Now allow me to break it down for you; let me go in depth as to why I think many Nigerian wedding are outrageous. My number one reason is

1.     THE BRIDE PRICE

I think I will be right in assuming that most of you reading this post know what the bride price is all about. For those of you that don’t know let me enlighten you.  The bride price is the dowry or the money that the groom pays to the bride’s family as compensation for raising her to be whom she is now. It is assumed especially in West African culture that everything that has happened in a girl’s life which includes her childhood upbringing, her schooling and training was all done in preparation for her husband’s house.

Bride Price no be beans oo!!

In some places in eastern Nigeria the bride prices are ridiculously extreme I mean really outrageous we are talking thousands of Naira. In places like Mbaise in Imo and Calabar in Cross river state a girl’s price varies depending on her level of education. If she is a graduate then wahala dey ooo!!! The bride price would be really quite expensive. But surprisingly a lot of guys look to marry calabar women I’m guessing it because of their skill in the bedroom we all know calabar are very knowledgeable in that area especially.

Personally I think this is a tradition that we could gladly do without. 

2.     THE MARITAL LIST

Ghen Ghen……………..(action music playing). Before I begin to talk about this one let me first explain what the marital list. The marital list is more or less like the terms and conditions that must be met in order for a groom to be able to marry a girl from a particular place. Most of the all the items on the list cannot be met physically and then it has to be settled with money (yes oh Money answereth all things). And the amounts are just too high also in thousands of naira.

Now all these expenses and the wedding plans haven’t even begun. Decorations, food, music venue haven’t even been talked about and money don dey go fiam fiam. It is well sha. what really annoys me about the marital list is that it doesnt even go o bride's family. sometimes strangers who i'm probably didn't even know that the bride existes would now come and make demands just because they are from the same village. as they say " It takes a village to raise a child" these people take that adage quite literally and the come to demand their own share of the bounty.

Now all that wahala was just for traditional wedding. When we come to the white it is a whole different kettle of fish and with this craze of everybody wanting their wedding to be on Bella Naija blog or Munaluchi website or in Ovation magazine; Nigerian couples go the extra extra mile to make sure their wedding day is the stuff of fairy tales (regardless of the size of their pocket oo). Now let’s break down the white wedding structure.

A.     THE VENUE: in the traditional marriage the venue is never considered as an issue because it usually takes in the bride’s father’s compound or premises. But in this era of selfies and Instagram the wedding venue has to be Social Media worthy.  It has to be Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook worthy. Hmmn No dulling every nook and cranny has to be well decorated and lighted. Everybody wants to be the next Stephanie and Linus Idahosa so they go all out and pull all stops. And most of the time the venues which satisfy these criteria are pretty costly and usually on the island so that’s another huge expense.

B.     THE WEDDING GOWN AND THE BRIDAL TRAIN: Ever since Toke Makinwa wore her April By KUnbi wedding Gown and Stephanie Idahosa donned her Elie Saab gown. Nigerian brides have been killing themselves just to get a designer gown their wedding never mind that it’s just a one day thing oo. Although sometimes these gowns can be modified to wear as a normal cocktail outfit but then again these high fashion designer outfits cost an eye and a tooth and then some.

Another trend now is having a large number of bridesmaids and groomsmen. These extras now have to get really dressed up and dolled up and sometimes it’s the couple that foots the bill of the outfits for the groomsmen and brides maids.

C.     THE ASO EBI: now this is actually my favourite part of any wedding. You can tell the calibre of people the bride and groom are by the quality of the asoebi. Now for those of you who don’t know what Aso-Ebi is let me explain. Aso-ebi (translation: cloth of the family) is used to refer to the outfits made from matching fabric and pattern worn by family members (though it now applies to anyone who can afford one or would like to wear one) at a wedding ceremony or social event to denote unity, support, and represent sides of the family. Contrary to popular belief, the aso-ebi phenomenon is not strictly a Nigerian thing but applies to many tribes and countries in Africa with the subtle difference in the name; not called aso-ebi across all countries.   It’s no surprise that people attach so much importance to the associated aso-ebi piece of fabric. Perhaps, it’s because of the preferential treatment people who wear aso-ebi get at a social event amongst other reasons. (Culled from allaboutnaijaweddings.com)

The aso ebi fabric usually costs really much. I do not know if it’s because the bride and groom are trying to recover wedding costs but sha that one na for their pocket. Personally if I can’t afford the asoebi being sold for an occasion I’d take a piece of the fabric and go and look for it in the market where it would be a whole lot cheaper.
Nowadays to avoid all the extra cost most couples do both traditional and white wedding on the same day.
Other cost incurring areas includes the Cake, Food, Dj, the Video and photography and the souvenir.I don’t know if I am the only one who notices this but why is it that in most weddings I go for it is mainly the old old women there that fight tooth and nail for souvenirs ehn?!!

   

FAT GIRL WOES

                                          

FAT GIRL WOES

FAT GIRL ISSUES

Ok before I begin I would like to apologize for using the other “F” word in the title of this post but I had to so that I could convey the gravity of the issue.

Now normally I call myself Plus size, curvy, Rubenesque, big, full, luscious and all other euphemisms but for the purpose of this post I’m just going to be using the  word “PHAT” (I can’t bring myself to write the “F” word.

A PHAT girl life is a difficult life to lead. Especially in a country like Nigeria where the people and the citizens have zero chill. As in ehn it is a known and proven scientific fact that Nigerians do not possess any chill button whatsoever we are very crass and very rude.  One thing Nigerians are very good at is giving unsolicited advice (wetin dem no ask you; you go chook your mouth for inside) and its very annoying although I do it sometimes LOL.

So you can now imagine living a PHAT girl life in a place where anybody can just walk up and tell u rubbish. Scary abi??

Now I have compiled a list of the woes and agonies most PHAT girls face and they are:

1.     NO GOOD CLOTHES:

 For the average PHAT Joe like me who enjoys looking good doing at all times. It can be a bit of a hardship achieving that goal on. If you are a size 16 and above living in Nigeria with little money to spare like me (e go better; GOOD THINGS) then  wahala dey oo. Because it is very difficult to get good plus size clothing and when you eventually do find a really nice outfit it ridiculously expensive.

I mean you could see an outfit of the same texture, fabric, colour, pattern, shape, style, design and even smell in a small size but the larger version would be more expensive. I don’t understand if it is the extra 

 material that I’m paying for oh. It is well sha

2.       NO THIGH GAP:

Arrrggghhhhhhh…………….. This one don pain me for blood!! That ever elusive thigh gap. That space between the legs that many aspire to get but few ever achieve.  Yes this affects both men and women. When the laps touch due to the excess of adipose tissues (fat) in that area the contact surface becomes really dark and bumpy and pimply and just plain ugly (and the thing can pepper well well). This happens when you go for really long walks without any form of protection.

One way to combat this is to wear tights/girdles/short knickers/boxers under your clothes as a second layer of underwear like I do.

But when I’m home I just let loose just to let breeze reach that area. LMAO!!!!!!

WOW it’s not easy abi?? Skinny bebes take note oo.

That’s it for now. Please check out my next post on FAT GIRL woes

If you feel I have left anything out or I haven’t been accurate in my writing please drop a comment and let me know. I would love to hear about different woes and agonies of different PHAT ladies living in Nigeria. Ciao

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENOM

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENON

THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENON

In the whole of Africa it is safe to say that Nigerians are the most over the top, loud, boisterous, energetic, in-your-face inhabitants of the whole continent. This classic characteristic of ours is evident in our music, in our day to day interactions even in our wars on Twitter but it is never as pronounced or as obvious or as evident ( I dey check dictionary well well o!) as it during a Nigerian wedding.

OMG!! From the décor to the brides make up to the cake to the ever present Aso-ebi everything is always over the top.  And with the rise of so many fashion vendors I really don’t think the trend is going to die down anytime soon. We are going to see more and more extravagance in the near future.   This is a joke that went viral on social media according to the writer of the joke; the groom in his appreciation at one of such extravagant weddings went like this:

 “I want to first of all thank the Lord Almighty for creating my wife and to also thank the pastor and his wife for lending us their wedding rings. Special appreciation goes to my landlord who lent us his car and my friend who drove us. I am most grateful to my boss for approving the loan I used for the wedding.

“Big thanks to the committee of friends for the appeal fund they raised on my behalf; to my brother’s wife; for lending us her wedding gown and to the cake designer for the lending us this cake to display here. As agreed, I shall return it tomorrow morning.
“Special thanks to my friends who brought food from their homes to help me feed you all. To those who were served food, good luck and those who didn’t, we will make it up to you during our first child’s dedication next year.
“Very big thanks to my parents for bringing the village cultural band to entertain us all here today. I won’t forget to mention the marriage committee of the Church; thank you for persuading my wife to marry me. I also appreciate the married men in the church for rushing me into this marriage. The women are not left out, thanks a lot for teaching my wife how to dance”.

A Nigerian Ibo bride on her Traditional wedding day.

LOL right?! But sadly that is the case with so many Nigerian marriages. Another Crazy thing about Nigerian weddings is the fact that you don’t do only one wedding…………..YOU DO THREE!!!  (Hahn… Naija our own too much). Yes oh!! Not one, not two but three weddings and they are:

·         The traditional wedding

·         The court wedding

·         The white or church wedding

When I asked my pastor why we do three weddings in Nigeria he said that it’s because Nigerians are so jobless we don’t know what to do with our time and money.
And then again the annoying thing is that each of the weddings costs an arm and a leg (I’m not so sure about the court wedding) they are ridiculously expensive for no sensible reason oh Na just how the thing dey be.
Out of the three I’m sure we can all agree on the fact that the traditional wedding is the most expensive. Especially if you are from the eastern part of Nigeria. Boy oh Boy that bride price and Marriage list is the stuff of nightmares to many Nigerian men. Many guys borrow or sometimes even owe the village just so that can be able to marry a lady from the town. There is so much to talk about on the issue of the Nigerian wedding please checkout my next post: 
THE NIGERIAN WEDDING PHENOMENON pt2 or more on the spectacle that is the Nigerian wedding.