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Thursday, 10 March 2016

I HATE THE NIGHT #2



KEMI’S STORY
It’s going to be Funke’s 19th birthday tomorrow and I have a pretty gift for her; a pink and white large print Amplified bible. I hope she likes it. I would have gotten her a phone or a laptop but she needs the bible more.
Funke is afraid of the dark; at least that’s what she told me.  When she first mentioned it to me it sounded funny but then I could see the fear in her eyes as she spoke and I quickly cut her short with a dramatic soliloquy of Psalm 23. The next time Funke broached me with the subject I didn’t let her finish before I started telling her about the powers of Psalm 91. I haven’t heard about it from her again.
I am not insensitive and I am not wicked. I just don’t want to hear Funke tell me of horrors that I know too well. I don’t want to hear about how daddy kisses her on the forehead and on the nose just before he penetrates; I can still feel his cold lips on my face. I don’t want to hear about how about how daddy squeezes and scratches her butt cheeks right after he ejaculates; the scars on my buttocks bear witness to that. I don’t want to hear how daddy whips her with his belt and almost throttles her to death when she tries to refuse him or fight him; the scar above my right eye that I tell people I got from a go-carting accident is a monument to his cruelty.
Tomorrow is Funke’s 19th birthday party and she is not the only I have a gift for, I have a gift for Daddy as well. He will learn to hate the night.

I HATE THE NIGHT




I hate the night, it terrifies me. When I told my sister  Kemi about my Nyctophobia she went all Psalm 23 on me, the next time I tried broaching the subject she went from zero to Psalm 91 real fast. Since then I never bothered again.
How do I let Kemi know that I’m not afraid of arrows of evil or pestilence or doom and destruction?  How do I tell her  that her psalm 91s and 23s won’t work against my fears because the Bible also said that I should honour my nightly torment  so that my days may be long?
 How do I explain that it’s not the darkness that scares me but what daddy does to me in the darkness?
How do I find the words?
The first time Daddy came to me was the night of my fifteenth birthday; he told me he had come to say goodnight to his beautiful princess-he always knew how to make me feel special- he told me that I was all he had ever prayed to God for and that ever since mommy died I and my sister Kemi where all he needed in this world and he kissed me on the mouth…. Twice.
The next time daddy came to my room he told me he loved me and that it would make him so proud to have me as a daughter if I would let him show me how. I did.
As Daddy was beaming with pride at my blood stained sheets I stared at my feet in shame and pain, he told me to keep this as our little secret. I did.
It’s four years today since my fifteenth birthday. Daddy says he has a surprise for me ……

I hate the night, he terrifies me.

Friday, 22 January 2016

HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS!!!!!!!

Now I know this is coming 22 days too late but still I am jus going to  go ahead and wish everyone a happy new year. HAPPY NEW YEAR GUYS !!!!!
My one major resolution for this year is to be a more committed and active blogger and although I have started on a bad note it is never too late to start over. Also another major resolution is to lose 25 kg by 'June this year. normally I wouldn't reveal such a sensitive and touchy resolution but this time around I need you my read to keep me accountable so in effect you guys are gonna be policing my weight loss. (Please do a good job).
I really cant wait to read your comments and your if possible meet a couple of you.
Cheers to a beautiful new year...
XOXO  LeXandra.


Thursday, 1 October 2015

THAT AWKWARD MOMENT: A case of mistaken identity




“The queue at the filling station is so long; when will this fuel scarcity of a thing end na ehn this kind government I never see oh,” I say into the phone and my mother at the other end of the line gives a grunt of disapproval.
“This our yeye government my dear this country needs serious prayers; eh en don’t forget to buy beans when you’re coming back o, that is what your father would eat this night.” she says
I agree to buy the beans and we say our goodbyes then I cut the call.

The line is still moving ever so slowly, so I bring out my phone to continue with my candy crush adventure just to kill time I finally make it to level 198 and just as I am about to start the level I look up and I see a familiar face standing about fifteen feet from my car.

“Hmmmn where do I know that face from?” I ask myself and then it hits me.
“Oh my God that’s Nnanna Orji,” I say to myself

Looking at him now he seems so different, so much more muscular. Back in school Nnanna was quite handsome facially but very lanky and he was always scraggy looking. Even though I used to make fun and tease him a lot back then he was one of my closest friends. Now I just look on in admiration as I eat my words.
Seeing as the line is not moving I get out of my car and make my way to where he is standing and from behind I cover his eyes with my hands.

“Look who is all grown up ehn,” I whisper into his ear jokingly.
He gives a little laugh and asks, “Who is this?”
He sound different too his voice is deeper than it used to be.
“Ahn Ahn so you can’t recognise my voice after all our history ehn” I say
This time he laughs out loud and people start staring at us.

“Ok this is crazy, I really don’t know who this is.” he answers
I ask him to guess and then I give him a peck on the cheek.
“ Honey what’s going on here?” I hear a lady ask.

I turn around to get a better view of who is talking and I see a pregnant lady staring at me covering Nnanna’s eyes with disbelief on her face.
“Who is she?,” the pregnant lady asks.

She looks at Nnanna while she is talking and then I realize that she must be talking to him. With my hands still on his face I look at his hands and see a wedding ring on his finger and I get confused last I heard Nnanna wasn’t married and if he was I would have known about it. Alarm bells ring in my head; I slowly take my hands off his face and he turns to look at me.
Uh-oh this is not Nnanna Orji. The man whose face I have been holding for the last two minutes is a complete stranger.

“Bayo I asked you a question.” By now the pregnant lady is already shouting.
“I have no idea who she is, she just walked up to me and closed my eyes.” He answers shakily.
They both turn a little to stare at me. While he is looking at me with a mixture of fear, surprise and confusion on his face, she looks at me like she wants to torture me with boiling oil and acid.

“I’m sorry it was a mistake really I thought you were someone else you look like a friend of mine I’m really sorry.” I say this in a state of mild panic as I notice that people are now staring at us and someone is actually videoing our scene.
The pregnant lady starts crying.

“Bayo she is your mistress right? She is the one you have been cheating with abi? After three kids Bayo, why are you doing this to me?” the pregnant lady is crying her eyes out.
I almost offered her a tissue but I’m so shocked I can’t move I’m not even sure the whole scenario is real. As I get a hold of myself I try to console the lady.
“Madam please nothing is going on here. It was just a mistake I thought he was someone else.” I say.
The murderous look on her face sends me into silence. The man apparently called Bayo looks at me and says
“Can you just get out of here and leave me alone.”

I cringe visibly and I just quickly turn around and hurry back to my car and then I see that everyone is looking at the three of us and we make quite a spectacle.
On my way to my car I hear whispers and from the whispers I hear one very audible Ashawo, husband snatcher I just move along pretending not to hear as I move along I pass a red Toyota camry; the lady in the car winds down, spits on me and calls me a home wrecker and winds her windows back up.

I’m stunned all I can do is just stand and stare when she sees me staring she gives me the finger.
I finally reach my car and once I’m inside I lock the dock and windows. As I settle I down I replay the events of the last few minutes in my head and without warning I just start laughing uncontrollably. I laugh and laugh until finally laughter turns to tears.

The queue starts to move; I buy 30 liters of fuel as I’m leaving I see the attendants talking and whispering and pointing at me. I just bone my face and leave the station.
Two buildings from the market I see a beans seller and I stop to buy beans. As I’m pricing the beans someone taps me on the shoulder and I turn around to see Nnann---- sorry Bayo smiling down at me.

“Hmmnn you are very beautiful and I like your style, please don’t mind my wife jare this is my card call me up and let me take you to lunch sometime.” He tells me.

I take the card then he plants a kiss on my cheek and winks at me.
As he turns to walk away I call him back
“Urmm……… its Bayo right?” I ask
He nods in response
 “Ok this beans is 4k oh! Can you take care of it for me?”

Later that day my Dad commends me on my very delicious beans porridge I just smile and say thank you. If only he knew……………….



Introducing my new series: That awkward Moment




Hey guys it's me again i want to introduce a series of short stories and it's titled :That Awkward moment. Everyone has had an awkward or potentially embarrassing moment at one point in time and i'm sure whenever we remember such moments we cringe. So this series is to pay homage to those moments that keep us humble from time to time. Please enjoy.

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Hey!!!!!!!!! I am Back!



Okay so I have been AWOL for a couple of months and the reason is because i had a lot of stuff going on in my life at that period in time But now i am back and ready to go.
But I must say though during my hiatus I did a lot of research on blog topics and whatnot and I have  quite a few juicy posts up my sleeves.
of course it's all my opinion so I don't think i can get into any legal trouble for airing my opinions right????
SO PLEASE feel free to drop comments and suggestions aiit!
Peace.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

FAT GIRL WOES PT2



FAT GIRL WOES Pt2
In my last post about fat girl woes read HERE I mentioned a couple of thing that  I considered  to be some little issues “phat” girls face so number three on that list is
3. THE INFAMOUS K-LEG
Many Phat  people suffer from this but not all and sometimes even some skinny people have this but i'm guessing theirs is due to some form of malnourishment or the other (I’m guessing oo I no be doctor). In Phat people this happens as a result of no thigh gap and the leg kind of bends ouward from the knee down this unusual shape gives many phat people I know the most awkward walking steps. Really weird stuff.
4. The Cat-calls and snide comments:
This is really the most frustrating and annoying. Let me share my story with you. On fateful day oo on my way back from work I stopped at a kiosk to buy gala for my neighbour’s children cos they would bug me if I came back empty handed. So I bought four pieces  of gala and as I was about to pay the man that was selling to me asked “ Ahn Ahn madam na only you wan chop all this Gala. Take am easy o! you no suppose dey chop sef na only water you suppose dey drink”. As you can imagine I was mortified because the people around wo heard him were snickering and some were laughing out loud so i just quietly and jejely dropped his products for him and gave him my deadliest look by this time he was now apologizing. I left his shop and went to his neighbour’s shop and I bought a carton of gala and a carton of Viju milk with one pack of buttermint sweets. I made sure he was looking as I was counting the money to pay his neighbour when I saw the look on his face I instantly fet pity for him but unfortunately the deed had been done.
And its not only comments like that you hear some times when I pass some bystanders would just shout “UKWU”  or some would shout “my size”. OMG that’s the worst when they shout my size or ukwu I instinctively know I’m the one they are talking to and as my reflex action takes over I turn my head to look and I most often see a scraggy looking wretched humanbeing.  I just get so ashamed and angry at the same time.
 
5. NO TALL DARK AND HANDSOME:
Although this isn’t always the case but most guys that like PHAT girls are the older married men with pot bellies. It is a bit hard to find young good looking men that are interested in PHAT girls and even if they are for fear of ridicule they wouldn’t admit it.
My former boss once told me that because of my size (I’m kinda tall so I’m considered huge and imposing) I should be looking forward to marrying a small man so that the equation can be balanced I thought she was making small sense until she added  “you see you have no right to lay claim on any tall man you have to marry a small man so that you can be a boost to his ego” she then proceeded to give me her brother’s number.  I was so shocked that this educated, accomplished  woman whom I looked up to would allow such stupidity come out from her mouth (this na serious end time things sha). I just jejely smiled and left her office.
Finally I have come to end of this post I have shared with you some of my woes and agonies as a PHAT princess. Pls if you feel that I have missed out anything feel free to let me know in the comments section.
Also if you have woes and agonies like me and you just cant deal anymore then please lose some weight so as to be happy and healthy like I’m trying to do. #teamfitgirls